22 | grad student
one of those ig daily affirmations graphics that says “i will not freak out and assume i have covid when again i wake up tomorrow morning exhibiting symptoms of existing in winter”
I hc that Jason is always calling Bruce “dad” by accident. It pisses him off because he’s been trying to stop for years but literally can’t. In his head Bruce has always been “dad” or “old man” and it’s an ingrained habit at this point. Jason is the only one of the kids who consistently does this. Everybody else doesn’t have this problem and only calls Bruce “dad” when they want to. Jason is a loser who is always slipping up.
“You never understood! I’m no one’s son, dad!-bru-batman! Fuck you!”
“Da-fath-pops-fuck! Never fucking mind.”
“Oh yeah, I just need to see if my da- Batdad- fuckin hell. Batman-”
“You’re not my father, dad! Shit! I mean Bruce! Stop laughing!”
“Dad- no no batd- fuck it. Dad, I need money. No it’s not for anything illegal I swear.”
“Oh sweet! Dad, come look at this! Wait no- ew wipe that look off your face. I hate you.”
“Hood, can you pull up the schematics for the case?”
“Sure thing, Batdad-I mean! weird reclusive man I lived with for a few years that didn’t let me wear pants to fight crime.”
“You said you wanted to be just like Dick thou-?
"Shut the fuck up, Dad! He’s right fucking there. I hate you.”
“Batman said you weren’t allowed to kill!” - random criminal who is about to get his shit rocked
“I don’t give one shit about what Dad says. ” - The illusive and terrifying Red Hood
All the batkids inherited Bruce’s Himbo-ism.
~
Dick: oh man- that’s a hot chic.
(Cut to what is very clearly riddler in a red wig)
~
Jason: Wanna see how many grapes I can fit in my mouth- (chokes)
Steph: sick- let me try (chokes even harder than Jason)
~
Tim: (who grew up in two incredibly wealthy households) How much is a banana? 5 dollars?
Cass: (who was taught about the concept of money by Bruce) That’s not right. I think it’s around 15 dollars.
~
Duke: why won’t- (grunt)- it open!
(Is pushing on a pull door)
~
Damian: Mother! I made a flower crown for you, but it broke. So here is a weed crown.
Talia: (putting on the weed crown) dear god- it’s genetic.
I have a headcanon that Tim and Damian (Tim got the idea, Damian jumped on board so hard he almost sank the ship) proposed the concept of the ’Heirarchy board’.
If you do something stupid, and a minimum of five votes (they tried to slip in with two, the others barely managed to haggle five) voted that what you did was absolutely stupid, you get knocked down a rank, like this:
If Dick does something stupid (hypothetically speaking, this definitely was not the inspiration) and he’s voted five times, Cass gets to call him ‘little brother’, and then if he does another Stupid thing, Jason gets to call him little brother.
Tim is in a very dangerous position, being the second (now third, so phew) youngest Bat, but the risks are worth the rewards in his opinion (“I only need you to do two stupid things Jason, now tell me again how many times you purposefully crashed your bike just the day before?”)
Damian can only go up from here.
The older siblings feel like fresh meat hanging above a shark tank by the smiles the younger siblings give them.
Now you wonder how Dick would possibly be convinced to participate in this or be convinced to convince the rest to participate in this since he’s got a lot to lose here, but Tim only has to dangle the possibility of calling Bruce little brother before he’s pouncing.
Bruce agrees because it is a surprisingly effective way of minimizing self-sacrificing stunts because surprisingly, everyone agrees that trying to sacrifice yourself is Stupid unless they’re the one doing it hypocrites (says the hypocrite). So being called little brother by your little brother is more motivating than a Bat-lecture or the risk of death in this family, who would’ve known.
They’ve got this wooden board in the corner with adjustable planks with their customized name plates and do Voting meetings more religiously than they recheck grapples (which is saying something). They cannot rise through the ranks and can only wait for the one above them to fall, so Bruce is now confident that no one is going to be covering up each other over near death experiences.
It adds to the public confusion of what the Bats relationship to each other are because Red Hood would sometimes spit out a 'Batdad’ and then he’d go one whole month calling him 'little brother’ every other word.
“Of course, little brother, I understand your anal need to invade our privacy little brother, but I think, little brother, you should loosen up, little brother. Might do wonders to your relationships, little brother.”
And yes, 'Stupid things’ does include being insensitive to your first born and yes, you do have at least five legally adopted children who will side with your eldest when you’re being emotionally obtuse. And yes, Alfred is raising his hand, master Bruce.
james “can’t catch a break” holden is lowkey the FUNNIEST character on the expanse and him thinking elvi was trying to comfort him when she was really having a scientific breakthrough makes me cackle every single time
this man has saved humanity more times than any one person should reasonably be expected to and the whole show is just him getting dunked on by everyone around him for 5 seasons straight
someone help him he is TRYING his BEST